• Arham

Dear diary (Long read)

Updated: Feb 11, 2020

There are thousands of categories that divide people into two groups. Here's one I know of-

The first-

when I was a kid, I was the most careless and irresponsible kid ever, I would forget to do my homework, or submit notebooks on time, or heck, even make notes.

forgetting things- is the worst. The number of things that I have taken to school and not brought back home is so high that it’s literally impossible to keep a count.

For instance, as a kid, I had this hobby of collecting really old coins and foreign currency.

It was 2007 and I was in fourth grade, my mom had helped me put all of my collections in a photo album and at that moment it was the one thing I loved the most in my life, my album. I took it to school, and as you can probably guess already, I didn’t come back home with it.

Now when I think of it it was one of the worst moments of my life and I rarely talk about it.

The things I have left in school as a kid are so many that in my father’s words “they could open up a store of some sort with my stuff”, well that is if they found all of them, which if they did, I would do anything to buy them all, the tiffin boxes, water bottles, stationery, because no matter how funny it is, it kills me.

Somewhere, I grew up with this nature and, and I am only twenty-one and I have had terrible breakdowns that have been caused due to this careless and irresponsible nature.

As I grew up, it only grew with me, I won’t be kidding if I said I have bought at least twenty-five eyeglasses till date because I keep losing them, I lost one a couple of weeks back, and I had purchased it three weeks ago. Yes, I used it for a week and, I can’t even

I forget to call my parents when I am away,

or the dress she wore last Saturday

My first crush, Or the first time I got played

When I first fell in love,

I can’t remember, if the sun was bright, or if it rained

My sister’s favorite book, my friends’ birthdays

Hell I can’t remember today's date

I forget to turn off the lights when I sleep

and about the plan of tomorrow

that I probably made last week

Don’t remember breaking down, falling on my knees

or all the times I felt weak

The sun's gonna rise, I’m wide awake at three

but I don’t know what is it that doesn’t let me sleep

Slowly the tiffin box and water bottles I lost, turned into missing shoes and jackets, soon the jackets and shoes I lost turned into watches and mobile phones and sunglasses and eyeglasses,

and soon, it turned into people that mattered and I am damn afraid it’s my turn next, maybe it has started, maybe it has not, who am I, what did I stand for, what have I become, are some questions I still run away from.

And the second- (Switching to a different perspective)

You’d think, being careless, or having a habit of forgetting things is such a bummer. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

There’s this girl I met in October of 2014, a very very special person, she was not at all like me, not clumsy, not careless, not irresponsible and not at all someone who forgets. She remembered the smell of the rain from the night we first met, she remembers how the sky looked that day, she remembers what we talked about, how I smiled, how I looked at her, what she felt she remembers everything. She would remember all the firsts. “today is the day you first said you loved me”, “today is the day we first held hands”, “today is the day we first went out on a date”,

and soon,

“Today was the day you said you’d call me but you didn’t”

“today was the day you made me cry”

“today was the day you hurt me”

What if you remembered everything? What if you never forgot anything? The memories from your childhood? Your parents fighting, friends hurting you, your teachers making you feel terrible, the fights, the pain, strangers pushing you, what if you never got past them? Can you imagine how must it feel? You can’t, and I can’t.

You see remembering things is not limited to the good memories, it goes far, the things you wish could get out of your minds but you just can’t help. You feel like you’re born with a curse. a curse to get stuck over the past, the good and the bad. You can’t forget what they said, or did, and you just can’t move on.

How must it feel, to feel it all the time because it never goes out of the mind?

So what would you say is worse? being irresponsible and forgetting everything

or not being able to forget anything at all?

We’re falling apart, maybe it's the end. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's the beginning of the end, I wonder where we go now. Or maybe it's the end of a beginning and a new chapter lies ahead, after-all life is full of surprises.

Beginnings do hide in ends, Mike said.

We don’t know if we’re ever going back, to that place we escaped, quietly, making a mess.

But here’s the funny thing, that place that I still like to call home, is in a pretty bad condition, because who I am and what I grew up with, created much of the mess, got the place dirty, and who she is and what she grew up with won’t let her forget about each one of them, No matter how much I change today, I can't go back in time, I'd do anything to back. She can imagine all the mess, she can see it, in details, the date, the year, the place, the time, the way it felt, she can’t stop feeling.

We were like fire and ice, I learned the truth of how opposites attract, but you can’t light a match underwater, can you? She is everything I am not that I wish I was- organized, responsible, smart, honest. Maybe that's few of the thousand reasons I loved her, but we learned early in life, that love is never enough.

Thank you for listening.

yours truly

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