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A letter from a lover who let love leave like memories of today that become yesterday with a blink

hi

I'll always keep imagining the thousands of different goodbyes this goodbye could have been. Please let me call it a 'good-bye. My heart almost literally stops beating with every word I'm typing right now, I can honestly feel it squeezing like those old, tired balloons, those you find in the corners of your rooms and under your bed fifteen days after the party's over, with some air left.

Something is hurting, the party got over too soon and I am not ready for the hangover, nobody is.

I don't really know if it's because you mean so much to me and now I have to go, that I'm shivering, screaming, covering myself up with some smiles I learned to fake quite early in my life, wondering what could have happened, if I was just a little bit of a person you deserved, if not more, if I was careful, or if I was more.

Here's a truth, you always deserved a better life partner, but nobody in this goddamn world could ever love you as much as I did.

It's okay if you don't return me my heart as you leave, don't worry about me, but please take your heart and go, don't keep it with me, don't take this risk now, you know I haven't been a good lover, I know it, too. Your heart used to be in my smile, remember? I don't smile anymore. My eyes, remember how my eyes were your favorite scenery? The scenery still exists, the scene isn't so good, the sun drowned, the mountains got messed up, the house broke, the roads melted away, all that's left in my eyes to see, is a river, the one that stretched far from mountains, flowed through the trees, now its all over the canvas, rushing in search of space that's still left to fill.

You have been one hell of a person. I could have died a lot of times in my life if it weren't for you. Now I'll have to take care of myself, I'll do it if it's necessary, just promise me you'll take care of yourself, don't fall for the fake, don't listen to those who'll try to bring you down, don't stop moving, no matter what, don't wait for me, I'll catch up.

I need to thank you for so so so many things that if I start mentioning them, the internet will break down. But I have to thank you for the 6389926 kisses and 383683 hours of hugs(approximately), I also have to thank you for being there when literally nobody was around, for letting me wipe my tears and nosey on your dupatta, for calming me down in times of disastrous anxiety storms, for letting me sing you to sleep, for singing with me at times, for helping me work on my passion, for pushing me ahead when life brought me those bumpers, for holding my hands when I forgot to hold yours, for reminding me to breathe, for being the reasons for my laughter, I have to thank you for the hundreds of gifts you've given, the notes, the birthday cards, I wonder if I'll ever get them again from you, I have a feeling I will, but it's okay if I don't, for the thousands of wishes and billions of blessings, straight from your heart to mine, I'll never be able to thank you enough for anything why am I even trying.

I'll never ever be able to apologize to the extent that I should, I hurt you, at times I broke you, on some days I killed you, on some nights I made you cry yourself to sleep, I was awake, too. I can never and should never be forgiven for the things I did to you, I am sorry for messing up your life, so much that your sleep got disturbed, so much that your grades got affected, so much, I'm sorry. It just kills me, I can't go on.

I repeat - take care of yourself. And if I come looking for you someday, please feel free to slam the door on my face for what I did to you.

yours(?)



#painting #paintbrushes

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