• Arham

Saudad-Ikigai (Rant) 

It's funny how things can be so different, with one change in the timeline of our lives. What if we didn't break up? What if I never blamed myself for fucking up? Or what if I didn't fuck things up? What if I never met you? What if we didn't fall in love? What if we didn't fall out? I wouldn't be what I am, neither would the things and people around me be as they are. Sometimes at night I create stories in my head, with different endings to feel better about my life. If I had never met her, I would never have experienced this love and ohh what a shame it would have been. I was traveling from Goa to Mumbai and something happened. I was tired, looking out of my window to a beautiful night sky, when I suddenly felt a rush inside my body.Everything around me disappeared, I freaked out. I saw her face right in front of my eyes, happy. As I kept looking she started crying. I tried a lot to talk to her but she seemed upset with me. I had broken her heart. I tried to stop her from crying, but I wasn't being able to speak or move. I was paralysed in sleep, but it was almost real. As soon as I woke up from all of it, drops of tears fell from my eyes like waterfalls rushing through pieces of a broken heart, and tearing its way apart, I felt the tears flowing up from my heart through my throat and falling, just falling. I don't think I ever cried like that before, maybe I did. I tried to divert my mind, but I failed at that, big time. When I tried to think about the stars and the sky, all I could see was a picture of the universe in her eyes. When I thought about the trees and the mountains, I went back to the time when she was the scenery that I had been wanting to sketch all my life her body, a wonderland and oh how I would love to travel to the parts find a place to breathe, and rest my speeding heart Then I thought about myself, my music, poems, art, my life. And it was just stupid to even go there and now I didn't know my way back home. I was lost forever in a world made up of her skin tattooed with our memories Anyway, I took out my phone and scrolled down on WhatsApp till I found her. We hadn't been talking. But I just had to tell her that I was sorry. I still am and probably will always be, for she might forgive and forget everything but I never will. "I have something to tell you IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT I can't emphasise enough. Every night when I look up at the stars to talk to the universe, my lips tremble and I'm screaming inside, 'I am sorry' 'I am sorry' 'I am sorry' IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT And yet, here you are shivering in confusion, figuring out what's real and what's not, fiddling with the broken pieces of both of our hearts. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT You gave us all you could and now you're trying to find the parts of you hoping they're still lying around in your bed. I HURT YOU, WHAT WAS YOUR FAULT? All you did was love me, and it's okay if you think that was the fault, it's only fair. what else could be the explanation for a life this unfair And I'll apologise to the universe till the end of the fucking time, for the pain I left you in I have to tell you, that I'm sorry. And I'll forever be. I will probably never be able to stop loving you, I realised our love was like art And it'll forever haunt me that I was the one to break your heart A part of me wants to stop loving you, and a part of me keeps hoping you'll always keep loving me, too But that's not what I want, I want you to be happy and blessed all your life. And I want to apologise for bringing you speed bumps on a road that was supposed to be made of ice I'm sorry. It was not your fault and yet you cried on so many nights, I know you did because I could feel your tears roll down my cheeks on some of those cold nights how could I let you leave how could it all be over how did we say goodbye to something that was supposed to live forever I'm sorry" BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE " I'm sorry " after 10 hours and 23 mins " It's okay"

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